[Saturday April 8th, 2006] [ mood | hornya ] alright alook i don't eright in here very often but now i will y first i jsut wahtstched queen latigfah pla b byall against fuckig tayra bankds budnka dunk seocnd time was silly otnight boeerrrrrr poinggg first gamey a got schooled waysted i adreo al jones i can reall say i do and i can really say he adores me toooooooooooooo so gies good i love being sucnuggled hmmmmmmmMMMmm I AMAH NORNTY HORNY Yoh what whatttt 2 2pac you vanam to be a playter ilvoe youmyf my friends all of you@! science failed 1 times

[Tuesday March 28th, 2006] [ mood | gloomy ] Ehhhh. Wow. The gods strike again Last night I got a ticket at like... 1:00 in the morning For not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign And it sucked. I have to pay 90 dollars for that crap Then. Today I went for a drive Came home, annnnnd my car started smoking and smelling hot and leaking tons of coolant everywhere And I can't drive it now && I had to cancel plans with Al. THAT SUCKED (though Al made me feel lots better) Despite all that Last night, I was the happiest I've been in a long, long while Being serenaded with a guitar haha And spooning on the couch Having him fall asleep in my lap... I was completely content, and that doesn't happen often As well, the butterflies came. Lots. And I loved them. I've learned the art of patience 'Tis good Well. I just had to express my frustrations at the gods For targeting my car now That's the worst. It's SO WARM OUTSIDE though... Sunny, and beautiful And it makes me happy There's only one place I want to be right now... And that my car is preventing me from being there Just makes me so grumpy Alright. Enjoy the sun everyone :) science failed 0 times

[Wednesday March 15th, 2006] [ mood | relaxed ] Alright. I have a guilty pleasure. The song *Pimp Juice* I....... don't know why But when I listen to it, I just wanna get down with my bad side And wear gold teeth and feathers and purple suits Do I forgive too easily? This I don't know But I do know I can't resist the brown puppy eyes And the mess of brown hair Never, ever. It's, perhaps, my greatest weakness And I could never stay mad at the one who possesses these features I went to Nanz's tonight And it was really nice Jess said the funniest thing ever And I'm pretty sure one of my lungs deflated from it Al was there. And I think that there is no need to rectify All is well. Damn. I really never have anything substantial to say anymore I used to be able to go on and on about interesting things But I just don't have it in me anymore I think, perhaps, I'm not going to write in here for a while. Actually. I know I won't So. With this, the last entry for a bit, I bid my readers adieu for now Much happiness and good times for all PaYcE science failed 2 times

[Tuesday March 14th, 2006] [ mood | blah ] Ohhhh. Thank the snow gods Pretty much For having two days of no class It was great :) But I'm angry at them Cause Jess&Nanz called me to hang out last night But I wasn't allowed to drive And that sucked. A lot. I realized. I'm angry at him (no need to specify) I truly am No need to go farther. That's for me, myself, and I But, damn... Just sucks Hopefully the situation can be rectified Hey. I really wish it was the weekend now. Even though the rest of the week will be a breeze (hopefully) I guess I don't have anything to say Just lost all urges to write Later loves science failed 0 times

[Monday March 13th, 2006] [ mood | thankful ] I just pretty much wanted to say I love Jenni Sue So incredibly much Annnnd she's wonderful As well I am drinking oj&5-0 right now In the hopes that I can stop thinking For a little while And I really do want it to be Thursday now Cause I can't take school Okay. Love for all science failed 0 times

[Monday March 13th, 2006] [ mood | frustrated ] I'm okay. And I will continue to be okay. Until the end of time I'm walking on unstable ground right now though And it's frustrating for me I'm a lot vulnerable & a little lost It's felt good to sit at home in my pj's, indulging in chocolate and cheesy songs. And then. I wonder. Why, when something bad happens, do girls turn towards sad songs&movies When, in the end, we know they'll only make us more sad. Maybe, I guess, it helps release everything Either way. Idk. I just really don't know. But Coldplay is keeping me optimistic and happy Because in 6 days I'll be in Milwaukee, seeing them again. And I don't even know what to say about that I'm 10 million times more excited than I was the first time Especially cause not only will I be able to see the stage this time (haha), I'll actually be up close to the stage. And that's magnificent. I love Chris Martin, but Guy Berryman has definitely found his place in my heart now too Ohhhhh :) This weather is CRAZY I left for class this morning and it was raining Then it started sleeting And then.... lightning and thunder And then.... snow Just the craziest array of conflicting weather patterns ever But it's awesome. I surprisingly need this week To be at home and relax And get myself back up onto stable ground Cause there is no way, NO WAY, I'm going to let myself stay this way. No friggin way And this weekend will be wonderful Obviously. I can't wait to hang out with my friends again Cause no matter how much time I spend with them, it's never enough Annnnd I love them all :) We'll see about the boy. I'd like to see him But Idk if he deserves to see me right now That's just something I need to decide Ughhh Sleep is so good I love sleep And the thunder started back up So I'm going to go slip into a coma yet again Payce&love&happiness science failed 0 times

[Sunday March 12th, 2006] [ mood | mellow ] Wow. Today was an emotional rollercoaster if I ever rode one. But I'm okay now. I never knew I had so much self control To not allow myself to break down. It was empowering!! Welp My friends are pretty awesome It's true I saw Al. Annnnd he apologized. Which was nice Annnnnd I could tell he genuinely felt bad Which is better I forgive him. How could I not? I had the coolest trip to the beach ever With Manda, Mark, Jordan, and Mikey At 12:00 this evening Twas beautiful And they all crack me up I'm feeling a bit more confident. Neat Today was neat-o Even though it was rough Bad day turned good I guess? Gooooooooodnight science failed 0 times

[Saturday March 11th, 2006] [ mood | disappointed ] I will not be that girl I'm not stupid I kinda figured though. And that's crappy Cause we like each other And we make sense together But just because I adore him Doesn't mean that I want to deal with stuff like this Again. Cause it's the pattern of my love life that I'm trying to break Annnnnd I will. Mark Schneider up and saved my day By calling me at the perfect time And for coming to the hockey game with me tonight I love him. Ehhhh. I need a hug. science failed 2 times

[Saturday March 11th, 2006] [ mood | anxious ] AhhhHhhhHh Saturday!! Yesterday was a strange day. It was... the longest day of spring break In an odd kind of way I hung out with Chase for a while And that was really sweet We drove around in my car and talked And then went to his house and he played me some of his new music Which, btw, is amazing, and I love it a lot Then to Jordan's for a while Annnnnnnd eventually to Nanz's With Manda, Jordan, & Mark And we hung out with Jess&Nanz, and Al And a few others Twas a good night Laughed lots And right now It is... 11:44 Annnnnd in 3 1/2 hours I'm supposed to call Al So we can go to the dog park... :) I'm so excited. It's starting to feel like we're together, in a really cool way And I like it a lot Spring break is winding down And I haven't been disappointed at all This has been the best spring break I've ever had Truthfully and sincerely I'm thankful for it And for my friends & the boy Cause they made it really great Happy Saturday, one & all :) science failed 0 times

[Friday March 10th, 2006] [ mood | happy ] Oh spring break, you beautiful thing, you The last few days have been amazing. Seriously. Wednesday was a crazy day... which gets a little fuzzy around the edges after 9:30 Kate came to hang out, which was awesome But then she & I started taking shots of 5-0 And the rest of the night was history Lossa people were there hanging out Jess and Nanz came over, and I was so excited Then I called Al and convinced him to come over Annnd he caused me lots of happiness in a short period of time. Lots.. After this, I started barfing. An extreme amount And when 12 o'clock rolled around, I realized I didn't need anything but my bed So Sean, being the saint that he is, drove me home in my car And ended up walking home I love him, I really do, for that. Yesterday... I had a layed back game of scrabble with Sean, Manda, and Jordan And the latter two went to work Sean and I walked around the island And it was beautiful, really. I forgot how easily I can talk to him About anything. And how much we see eye-to-eye on so many things It was really nice, and just what I needed We got to black rocks, and we both just stopped and listened to this amazing sound Of water rolling under ice and such. It was really crazy. I came home, thinking I'd be spending the evening in my pj's with a book But my love Jess called me And at 10 o'clock I got dressed and headed over to Nanz's Where I got to hang out with Jess&Nanz, and the boy Al Jones It was mucho fun :) Okay. So after Al left, and Patty & Jazz came over. And it was an adventure from then on I can't explain how much Nanz&Jess make me laugh Last night I thought I was going to start pooping lungs Cause I couldn't even breathe anymore We gave many birthday surprises to unsuspecting and unaging individuals. And then went on a car ride Where Patty ended up steering for me for a long time, to evade the treacherous pothole of doom. I felt lazy&lucky haha But. I definitely couldn't stop laughing last night I love my friends<3 Today will be an adventure Which is exciting And tomorrow Al & Buddy are taking Bella & I to the dog park, if the weather permits I'm excited, and really nervous :) I keep wondering how this happened. Because I never in one million years thought it ever would. But then I guess I had a feeling from the start Even when everyone else didn't I just knew. And from the the first time we met and actually talked to each other, it was easy to see that we had a good connection And I'm positive we both realized it. To hear him say he's very, very lucky to have me in his life... Made me so overwhelmed with happiness I didn't know what to do Ahhh. I'm REALLY lucky too.... Life's just been too good lately I don't know what to think Cept what'd I do to deserve this? No complaints It's wonderful :) HAPPY FRIDAY ONE AND ALL. PayceandLove science failed 0 times

[Thursday March 9th, 2006] [ mood | drunk ] let me juast stell you touat I;m never drinking fove ocolock ever again in my life its' hiorrobiel things sean is the greathest personbe ever for you driving me home tonight i would have died oat herhiwers like in a ditche andig it wiwould be bad ohhmna al joaens and buaddy is talking me and bella on aawalk on saturday in the daog walkj wer;lkj going to celebrateh ihis 21 bbithday beforehand yay :_ ai adore al jones ohabk bed goindnight mmy firneda re the BEST science failed 0 times

[Tuesday March 7th, 2006] Tonight worked out Talk about paranoia, hey? I adore all my friends So much Near & far science failed 0 times

[Monday March 6th, 2006] [ mood | pissed off ] Uhm. Please don't do this again. Please. It's hard for me to trust people Or respect them at all in any way When they can't stay true to their words. I really miss Jenni right now And I know if she was home I'd be with her right now Having a good time Rather than. Sitting at home Argh science failed 1 times

[Monday March 6th, 2006] [ mood | peaceful ] Life's been pretty amazing. In a big, big way I can't even perceive how it happened Things were so rough for a while And now it's hard to figure out how things could get any better Because every situation in my life right now is pretty much wonderful The only part of my life that I'm having a hard time with is surprisingly with myself I've been working on abolishing all my insecurities They're so detrimental to my happiness It's like this extreme case of stubborness I KNOW deep down that I'm fine & accepted & loved But even if I KNOW, this paranoia always overtakes my being Like my brain refuses to see the truth, even though it's right there in front of me And it ruins so many wonderful times and opportunities Realizing this & confronting it has made things a little easier, I guess It'll get better. With time. I have no doubt in that Yesterday was beautiful And I really do mean that Sitting at Randy's apartment I felt such a crazy connection with everyone Randy, Manda, Jess, Nanz, and I sat and talked for such a long time And throughout it all, I felt this warm, sentimental feeling wash over me And so much happiness I could have cried. I'm thankful for the past I have with my friends Because history is amazing. It really is BUT. I'm also thankful for the present times And everyone I've met over the past year These people are just as important to me as if I'd known them forever 'Cause it feels like I have. I love how our group has finally come together We were so disfuctional for a while Seriously. And now we're all one big family When we're all together, like last night, it just feels amazing to me I think of how lucky we all are, and how happy I am to be there with them And wow. Does it get any better? I don't have any expectations or needs And that's why I think the situation Al and I are in works so well for me I don't NEED him, not at all, in any way And I don't NEED a relationship. I don't think I even WANT one right now If we see each other, we see each other If we don't, we don't I don't get upset if I don't get to see him Cause he's free, and he can do whatever he wishes to do And I'll do the same But at the end of the day, I know that he cares about me And that's all that matters. I've never felt like this... this comfortable with something so uncertain And I really like this This is THE BEST. Seriously. Life's a beaut :) I can't believe it's only Monday And I've got a wonderful week left with my friends Wow :) Life's greaaaat Payce&love<3 Have a good Monday science failed 0 times

[Sunday March 5th, 2006] [ mood | cheerful ] 1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? "Woa... I have horrible a bed head... and it... looks... kinda sweet.." 2. How much cash do you have on you? right now? 11 dolla 3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR"? whore 4. Favorite planet? URANIS ha..ha.. jk, I dig the red planet... Mars 5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Don't have a missed call list, just a recieved call, but the 4th person I missed was... a number I don't even know haha 6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? The World I Know- Collective Soul 7. What shirt are you wearing? Senior all-nighter t-shirt 8. Do you "label" yourself? Naw, I am what I am, and labels are dumb 9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing? Currently sporting the bare toes look 10.Bright or Dark Room? Dark, man, dark 11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? She's cool 13. What were you doing at midnight last night? I was sitting at Randy's apartment with a whoolllee buncha people 14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? "mmmmkay, thanks" 15. Where is your nearest circle k? Not anywhere near here 16. What's a word that you say a lot? "I dig it" 17.Who told you he/she loved you last? Uhmm Randy haha 18. Last furry thing you touched? Bella Blue! 19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? Ein. 20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? None bebe 21. Favorite age has been so far? A combination of 17&18, by far 22. Your worst enemy? Insecurity and paranoia 23. What is your current desktop picture? A picture of Bella in my sweatshirt 24. What was the last thing you said to someone? "lol, I'd imagine" 25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? Moooneeeeeyyy *chaching* 26. Do you like someone? Yes :) 27. The last song you listened to? Blessid Union of Souls- I Believe -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Alright. Spring break has been so great so far I just love it Hanging out gallore And it makes me happy Al Jones is so nice to me I adore him. Last night was ridiculously funny Everyone was just hilarious My favorite part of the evening by far though was Blotter busting into Randy's apartment Completely wasted "I don't want to be mean... but you guys are COOL!" Idk. I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to pass out The greatest 10 minutes of the evening Blotter, Nanz, and Al all make me laugh sooooo hard, ALWAYS Just.. This is a great spring break already And the official spring break song must be "Blueberry Yum Yum" by Ludacris Just because whenever I hear it, I think of jamming out in Jenni's car And things of that nature Btw, I'm really going to miss Jenni :( But she'll have lossa fun :) I must go Things to do!!! Payce&love science failed 1 times

[Saturday March 4th, 2006] [ mood | sleepy ] My tongue hurts Really bad I don't know why I'm waaaaaaayyyy too insecure But certain things don't make it any better Thank goodness for Jenni & Amanda<3 I had a good day Fun with Jenni & Manda Then we came to town To Randy and Jazz's Evening was okay. I get in weird moods I can feel it when people don't want me around Talked to Peter finally We're hanging out on Sunday And I'm really really glad I need to be more reserved Much more Duct tape to my mouth Last night was fun I <3 Al, he's great And Jess & Nanz Glad to be seeing them more lately I'm so tired And so not content I need to spoon in a major way Agghh. To bed. I said. science failed 2 times

[Wednesday March 1st, 2006] [ mood | hopeful ] Maaaan. It's almost break Whudda relief I'm so greatly looking forward to this weekend Hanging out with all my loves I gotta hang out with Jenni lots before she leaves Cause a week without her, especially while on break, will be lonely :( :( Getting to see Kate, FINALLY, after 7 months of not seeing her. I miss her. And I'm sure lots of crazyness, good times, and happiness will occur this weekend Dunno if I'll call the boy or not I was going to try that whole... not being a pest thing (paranoia, anybody?) Let him miss me for a while... But I'm no good at not calling him I feel off-kilter until I talk to him And he might be gone next weekend... for his birthday. We'llll see I can be tough though... RAWR!! Manda... I love you more than anything. You know that, right? Sorry if I've made it seem like I think you don't appreciate me I know you do. More than anyone else I trust in you always, I love you always, and you're my other half, always. You're an irreplaceable part of my life Love you forever, sister<3 Picked up a whole puncha watercolor paper and paint today Made me giddy Michael's is the most beautiful store ever All those crafts *salivates* I just don't know what to do with myself It's overwhelming in there It feels good to help people out To know you made their day a little better Yea :) Aiigghht foo's I'm tired PAYCE&LOVE<3 Have a good spring break, all you college dwellers science failed 0 times

[Tuesday February 28th, 2006] [ mood | inspired ] I really wanted to use my beloved watercolors tonight I sat myself down Got everything ready And I just couldn't think of anything in the world I wanted to paint So I sat there for a while longer Closed my eyes. And started thinking really hard of things that inspire me And right away, one thing came to my mind So I started to paint And the whole time, I felt like my insides were singing My fingers were tingling And I started to get those butterflies Who knew I'd actually feel all those wonderful emotions and sensations just painting this... Gives you an idea how amazing I feel in reality So stroke by stroke, color by color, there it was A painting, yes But all the answers I've been waiting for as well And all this reassurance and certainty Overwhelming, really I didn't expect any of this I was just bored and wanted to paint But it was like therapy I sorted everything out in my life with paint And I haven't felt this certain in a long while It's the first painting I've ever done that means something to me Truly, absolutely, completely It's not done yet There will be much to add But the story isn't fully written So the painting isn't complete either This just makes me realize Something that inspires me this much can't be given up on Distance is one thing But throwing something good away would be STUPID Why? Why'm I suddenly building this wall & being annoyingly stubborn I'M SCARED. I tried to convince myself and everyone else I wasn't But I am, completely. I'm insecure & downright scared But for once in my life, I'm totally patient I'm happy right here, right now And I'm enjoying life and the special situations in it progressing and taking place however they will And it's wonderful, because I don't have to worry about anything!! I don't know Painting does something wonderful to me I believe that life will take care of us all And right now I have complete faith that everything's going to work out for me And everyone, for that matter Time is a beautiful. science failed 0 times

[Monday February 27th, 2006] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | The Verve Pipe- The Freshmen ] Jenni THANK YOU So much... For always cheering me up And listening And laughing And caring And being amazing And saying things at the exact right moments, though you don't know it I really love you more than anything This is experimental Don't know if it'll work But it's time to be real I've been feeling a little crazy lately Well, maybe a lot I was fine for a while But right now I can feel my plane taking a nose-dive Maybe I let other people impact my feelings too much But no.. Because the only impact my friends and family have on me is to cause me happiness For the most part And the one person who might possibly be able to toy with my emotions... just can't that much Because I won't allow it I think I just have horrible cabin fever Actually. Now that I've said it I'm almost positive I am so damn stir-crazy. But I'm even more unmotivated Doesn't combine well I've never been the motivated type I only make extreme effort for things that mean a lot to me (friendships & such) I put about half the effort I should into everything else I see some of my best friends See them in love And I'm so taken aback & overwhelmed by it all That sounds so stupid But I can't begin to explain how true it is I doubt love for myself For now anyways But to see that the people I care about the most have found that deep place with another person is really comforting One, because it shows me that something like that really does exist, and can be experienced Two, because it makes my friends happy and so much more, and that's amazing I understand that when people call me crazy Or things of that nature It's in an affectionate way But sometimes it bruises my esteem a bit I know I'm different, and strange It's wonderful to be my own person But some of the implications about me that people send my way really do hurt sometimes Though I don't like to show it There's just a line that should never be crossed Right now I find myself drifting apart from some of the people I was closest to And growing closer to people who I was once close to, but drifted apart from in the past You think I'd be scared Because change just isn't my piece of cake But actually, it doesn't scare me at all It doesn't make me feel anything, really Except thankful That I'm having second chances with these friendships Guess maybe I don't feel that appreciated anymore by some And to find out that the people who I've not been that close to lately, that they still care, and they appreciate me more than anything... it's a relief And right now I need to be around people who SHOW they care Because I love for people to know that I care about them, but it gets frustrating when they never let me know it back And selfishness? It's a killer A killer of all things good in the world I can tell when people aren't really listening And it's good to know so many people who really do I need to do well in school It's not even an option not to anymore I NEED TO. I can't let my parents down anymore Because I've felt their disappointment so many times It's the worst feeling in the world And I can get good grades I know I can. I always have before this year I just need to motivate myself somehow I wasn't meant to be a failure Nobody was We're all here to do great things I really want to paint tonight But I stare at my paintbrush Will it to make something beautiful But it's just not in me I guess I realized I don't believe in myself enough to be able to paint well And there's the world to me Insecurity I'm afraid to break out of my mold Afraid to try anything Or if I try, afraid to fail Because I DON'T believe in myself Not much Maybe not at all right now I'm learning But sometimes learning takes a long time And you keep falling until that one time, you just get up and go Sail with it But I can't sail with my insecurities They're the weight on my feet Pulling me down And I can't struggle Just have to wait to break free And until that happens I don't think I can be involved with anyone I really don't Because it would make things too complicated I don't want that anymore I just want simple I don't want to worry every time something happens, or something's off, that I did that something That's so tiring For me and the other person involved I don't want to fall for the wrong person Someone please tell me I'm not Deep down I know I'm cared for in this all But that doesn't mean that it's right Or it'll ever be right That is why... I'm distancing myself for a while Can't keep doing this It'll be good for me, and for the other This I know. I'm a little screwed up inside right now And I apologize for it And my need for constant reasurrance I'm really glad for all of my friends though I guess I talk about it often But they're really all that keep me going And happy They all keep me whole And I'd die for any one of them Without a question I'm so touched by all of you Every day, in every way I think that's about it Goodnight<3 Folks science failed 4 times

[Monday February 27th, 2006] [ mood | bored ] Wellllll Haven't written in a few days Conclusion of the weekend was good Hockey game with the ladies, Mark, and Erin Feeley And then a ride to Negaunee with Jenni and Manda and Jenni's cousin Where we ran into a car accident *shudder* Theeen to Jordan's for a get together Twas good Yesssstterrdayyy I walked at the island with Manda, Jeremy, and Jordan We went on adventure down an extremely steep hill Then we went to Nanz's to hang out with Jess, Nanz, and Al I'm way too insecure And I shouldn't think that someone dislikes me just because they're tired, or quiet, or having an off day. But it's hard not to Just gotta remember, if someone really cares, they won't stop caring And also I'm an insecure loon, I gotta remember that too Ack My mum and her friends are talking about car accidents And I don't like hearing it That just freaks me out Specially after seeing that accident the other night........ I love Jenni for spooning with me And hanging out with me Annnnnd being my friend She's one of the world's greatest I love, love, love her ALMOST SPRING BREAK And Kate's coming home!!! Yus yus yus Alright Buhhhbye science failed 1 times

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